Dear Ex-Lover, ...

Do you remember a few years back when you moved out here to LA and you contacted me by phone and immediately asked me if I wanted to have a baby with you? And you said you would take care of me financially? I feel compelled to explain to you how that proposition made me feel. I was going to tell you in person, but I think I might express myself better in writing if this is okay with you?

Thank you for allowing me to express myself. After studying the system of human design I realize now that I must ask, be invited or wait for the invitation before doing or saying anything to anyone... otherwise it may not go over so well. Are you familiar with human design? It's a fascinating study. In the system of human design I am a splenic projector. I have a feeling that you are a generator or a manifesting generator. I say this because as I recall I didn't sleep well next to you, and projectors are not supposed to sleep next to and/or in the aura of a generator. I could go on and on about this topic. I read the 400 page book on it... But back to the topic at hand...

It's interesting how you say you liked my brain and how smart I was. I don't recall you ever saying anything like that to me. In fact, all I can remember you saying to me at that time is that you liked or loved how skinny I was... which to me seemed very superficial. Not really a good reason to have a child with someone. I was also very surprised when you recently told me on instagram that you thought we could've been powerful together. I don't recall you ever saying such a statement to me in the past. I never got the feeling that you thought I was smart or powerful... or even talented for that matter. Especially after you compared my singing style to Nina Sky once. That felt like a total insult. I never forgot that. But yes, all I can recall is that you liked how sexy and skinny I was, which to me is not of any importance whatsoever. Ofcourse it's nice to be sexy and skinny and pretty... and it helps in life I suppose to a certain degree... but there's way more to me than that...much more... and I was never quite sure that you saw too much past my exterior. Then again, at the time we were dating/ together many years ago I was sinking into a great depression, so perhaps I was only hearing, seeing and manifesting the negative thoughts that were circulating in my mind. I've considered that possibility as well. I was attracting a lot of negativity during that time which is why I felt that I had to move to Los Angeles. None of my friendships/ relationships felt good simply because I didn't feel good. Now that I really understand the law of attraction and how thoughts and feelings work, I realize that any bad feelings that I had about our relationship didn't actually stem from you... they started within me. I was feeling bad so I simply attracted more situations and people to make me feel bad.

With that being said, I'm not sure how you're going to take what I'm about to tell you, but I've been holding on to these thoughts for a very long time. I've neglected to share them with you for fear of stirring up the pot. I figured it probably wouldn't make a difference to express these feelings with you now since we've both moved on in life anyway. But you've constantly appeared to me in dreams over the years and it's almost as if the universe wants me to tell you how I really feel... So I'm going to start from the very beginning....

The first time we slept together (engaged in intercourse) and I slept over at your apartment... I think this was the only time I ever slept over. I didn't sleep very well. But after this first sleep over it appeared that you didn't want me to sleep over ever again. I think we both slept too late. I have a feeling that you woke up early every morning and had a definite schedule. Me being there with you disrupted your schedule. And I had a tendency to sleep very late and struggle to get out of bed. That morning... maybe it was late morning... You handed me a bunch of cash. I was shocked and I told you that I didn't want your cash and I wouldn't take it. Now we never discussed that moment again, but it didn't make me feel very good. I realize that at that time I worked as a stripper and you knew this. But I had absolutely no intention of sleeping with you for money. I really liked you and enjoyed your company. I didn't want anything from you except respect... a caring feeling... a loving feeling... a good friend... a companion...an equal. I didn't want your money. You handing me money made me feel a bit cheap. It reminded me of my stripping sessions, except that I didn't see you as a customer/ trick and I definitely didn't feel like I was working when I was with you. I think at that moment our relationship may have been doomed to failure because it didn't feel like we were on the same page. What felt authentic to me at first all of a sudden appeared to be a business transaction to you. I didn't feel good about that.

Then the next time I came over to your place all of a sudden there was picture of some girl sitting in a picture frame next to your bed. I was going to ask you who this girl was but I stayed silent. I felt a bit disrespected and thought that perhaps you were trying to let me know in a subliminal way that I wasn't the real girl in your life... The real girl was the girl in the picture. I didn't feel very good about this at all. I have more to say... but let's start with that right there...

After the photo of the girl emerged it seemed that you had simultaneously decided not to engage in sex (intercourse and oral sex) with me anymore. You just wanted to have me pose for you while you jacked off. I went along with this desire of yours but on a certain level it felt like a rejection again and reminded me somewhat of my stripping work. I have my thoughts on why you did this. Maybe there was another woman that you cared for? The one in the photo? Or perhaps you feared getting closer to me? I remember you mentioning something about a sexual addiction and prostitutes so perhaps you didn't want to feed your addiction with me and then end up on the street looking for a prostitute again? I have another theory as well that I won't go into at this moment... (Hold that thought) But regardless, it didn't feel good and wasn't quite what I had envisioned in a relationship....at least not what I had envisioned as an ideal loving partnership/ relationship. Then again, perhaps that wasn't what you were seeking? Maybe you just wanted a fun friendship? And you were fun and I sincerely enjoyed your company... You always seemed to be laughing... Geminis do have a great sense of humor. You are a Gemini right? But sometimes I felt like you were laughing at me, and perhaps that you thought you knew better than me... You were the smart one. I was the dumb one running around the city trying to have a music career. You already had your career and you were successful. I was hoping we would partner up and be successful together, but I intuitively did not see that happening. I didn't really feel like you respected me enough to bring me into your music world. Then there's the possibility that you feared losing me to the music world? You may have hooked some other girl up with music in the past and then she left you? I'm not sure what exactly happened. But I had goals and wanted to be with someone who would help me to manifest my goals and be an equal partner with me. Not just hand me a bunch of cash for hanging out. That just wouldn't cut it. I definitely didn't feel like you viewed me as an equal... and I couldn't go on in a relationship feeling that way. I'm not even sure what I was seeking at that moment relationship-wise, but I knew that what we had going was not quite it. Yes, I was highly attracted to you sexually... but that wasn't enough for me. I had to feel good about things too... and I didn't.

After all that I decided to leave New York and move to LA... Years later you move to LA and immediately ask me to have a baby with you and you will support me financially... You didn't ask me what my goals were or if I had even achieved my goals yet? You didn't offer to help me achieve any goals. You didn't even really ask me if I was in a relationship with anyone... In my opinion, you didn't seem to really care how I was doing... Or what I wanted or needed... You simply showed up with your life's plan of having a baby with me and supporting me financially. And sure, it would've been great if that's what I wanted... but you didn't ask me what I wanted... You just told me what you wanted... Do you get what I'm saying?

But I do want you to know that I did appreciate and I still do appreciate the offer. There are many women in LA who would dive on that offer. I am just a very independent minded woman with my own thoughts and goals... I am not a gold digger. I am not a prostitute. And to this very day I never had sex with anyone for money.... and I've had quite a few offers. I even received another offer to have a baby for money and I turned it down. I never wanted anyone to take care of me financially. I never wanted to be placed in a position of dependency. I wanted an equal partner who would team up with me and make money with me and support me in achieving all of my goals. I never wanted anyone to just hand me money. You see what I'm saying? I just wanted you to know my perspective on everything. Make sense?

I'd just like to add, before you respond to these messages (or not), that I have absolutely no expectation of receiving a response. I did not write any of this to you to elicit any type of sympathy or emotion or any specific response for that matter. I am perfectly okay with no response, indifference or however you take what I'm saying. I do hope that what I'm saying is not hurtful to you... but more so enlightening. And I do hope that I haven't evoked or brought to the surface any bad feelings or negative emotions towards myself or towards yourself. You seem like a pretty strong person that's very focused on what you're doing so I have a feeling you will be okay. If anything, these messages are just a slight annoyance to your very busy schedule. I hope not too much of a disturbance.

I want you to know that I feel that I have explained my thoughts to you as objectively as I could without any emotion on my part. I do not feel anger, sadness or anything bad towards you... In fact, if I didn't feel some type of caring/ compassionate energy towards you and a spiritual otherworldly energetic past life connection with you (or whatever it is that we have between us) I wouldn't have even taken the time to bother to write you any of this.... because in reality it doesn't matter. I've let it all go. I also do not believe that you were intentionally trying to disrespect me or make me feel bad. I believe your intentions were always positive. I just don't think you were aware of what I was really feeling and going through and how your words and actions affected me. So perhaps if I provide you with this awareness now it can be of benefit to you in your other relationships. You know...If I really thought that you were a bad person with bad intentions towards me I would not be writing to you at all. I also want you to know that I am telling you my truth of what happened between us without any ulterior motive or agenda... which is not typical these days...especially not in the United States or in LA. I do not need anything from you. Money, career, nothing... but perhaps just an honest supportive caring friendship, if this conversation takes us to that point. That's it. I realize that nothing that happened between us was your fault. I was in a negative mind state and so the universe gave me exactly what I was vibrating. I totally get it now. I also want to add that although I am not upset at you, I do forgive you and I forgive myself. I also wish to apologize to you if I have hurt you in any way. When we were together there was something I did (or rather didn't do) that was not "kosher." I have felt guilty about this for a long time. I want to tell you, but then again I don't. I am definitely not going to write it here in an email. Maybe one day I will tell you. But what I did (or didn't do) is not something that a nice caring loving person would do (or not do). Sorry for any confusion. Like I said, I was in a bad mental state back in those days, and definitely not the same person I am today. I took risks that I shouldn't have taken and lived a very unhealthy negative lifestyle. I will leave it at that. I am sorry. Then again, we both attracted each other.... So whatever I was vibrating... you must've been vibrating a similar energy for us to attract one another. On that note, I think I've said everything I've needed to say. Once again, I have no expectation of any type of response. You can response, not respond, take a week or a month to think it all over. Whatever you want. Regardless...I thank you for hearing me out and allowing me to explain my feelings to you. I've been holding them in for a very long time... and only explaining them to you in dreams.

Jennie H is a Reiki Master Energy Healer, Co-Founder of Self Saviorz Society California Non-Profit 501(c)(3), Poet, Author and Entertainer with goals to help raise the vibration and consciousness of humanity!